Editor's Note: Two sportz heroes who recently had their pants pulled down have concocted responses that have come right out of the PR handbook for the post-scandal age of American Social Politics. Tiger Woods and Mark McGwire have recently confessed to certain excesses, indiscretions, and failures-of-judgment. But mostly they apologized because they got sloppy, they got caught.
Last week we lamented the pathetic performance of Tiger Woods, publicly apologizing for being an over-served ladies man which of course, conveniently is translated as SEX ADDICTION. When in a corner, go to therapy. And we concocted a version of his speech we would have preferred over the dismal offering he presented. Mark McGwire at least knows the truth, but his whimpering defiance and his, "let's not talk about the past" disingenuousness is definitely more mouse than mighty.
My quest for an exalted media/sports megastar to stand up to the petty-bourgeois morality of the Swamposphere after a trip to the woodshed continues. Since courage in a sports arena has nothing to do with it anywhere else, I'm making it up. Kinda like the pseudo-heroics of our celebrity culture anyway.
In the second part of our fantasy series, we give you Mark McGwire, and the response to Rep. Lacey Clay, D-Missouri that we would have preferred:
“Yes I took steroids. They extended my career and were worth every penny I paid (or was favored to); and YES, I would do it again, because the price of NOT is too steep to take a chance.’
“In a society where all the money pools at the top, nobody can get far enough up the ladder to be safe. Don’t feel sorry for me, who sacrificed things I’ve yet to pay for in order to extend my career.’
“Feel sorry for the poor sods who made the same sacrifices and ended up on the skids anyway. Who never came close to hitting 60 homeruns in a season. Who didn’t win a World Series, and who are now broken down ex athletes with a coupla kidz in a coupla cities, with debts… and a job that is being exported to India. Feel sorry for the multiple nobody’s who never could, never would, hit a baseball like I did.'
“And HEY!? what about Babe Ruth? He transformed an entire sport on a diet of booze, whores, and hot dogs. How do we explain away 714 homeruns? Or the .690 slugging percentage – greatest of all time?’
“Feel for the LOSERS. But of course, you won’t, because by your boredom, ignorance and craven desire to fawn over celebrity with its status and loot, you will always consign the NOBODYS to the trashcan. You don’t care that Joe Loser ate steroids; all you care about is that I did. So you can expend your voyeurism on cheap doses of righteous indignation.'
"You're not mad that I cheated, you're mad that I cheated and WON! You cheat and lose anyway. Boo hoo, I'm not going into the Hall of Fame, YET. The only hall you're getting is a cough drop. You’re a bigger phony than I am, and on less salary.'
“BTW: have you been to my web site?’
“You should be sending me a THANK YOU note." PRESS NOTE: Please: All other inquiries should be directed to the accounting firm, Harry Reed & Associates.
