Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright Corporate Spokesman, Professional Golfer.
J.Letness
TheUrbanFly.com
February 20,2010 Part 1: Mt. Olympus, PGA. Tiger, we hardly knew you: I am looking for the few exalted media/sports megastarz to work an arena by defiantly denouncing the petty-bourgeois morality of the Slogosphere. To tell us why (because he could get away with it, until he got sloppy), instead of suffering us with sniveling confessions pumped out by beaten-down heroes in the style of a Stalinist Inquisition (everything but a bullet).
Two heroes who recently had their pants pulled down have concocted responses that have come right out of the PR handbook for the post-scandal age of American Social Politics. Tiger Woods and Mark McGwire have recently confessed to certain excesses, indiscretions, and failures-of-judgement. But mostly because they got sloppy, they got caught.
This is the first of two speeches I’d like to hear to refute my assessment that delusion is alive and well and flows unfettered into the Swamposphere, previously known as the General Public. Ladies and gentlemen, The Tiger Woods I'd like to hear:
“I want to apologize to all my corporate sponsors, the PGA, and my fellow golfers whose paychecks are going to take a hit this year because I got busted-out and now I’m grounded.’
“What got me into trouble was that I was caught, and by no less a paragon of journalism as the NATIONAL INQUIRER. And then a member of my staff (the blondie I married) chased me down the driveway swinging a 9-iron at my head but missed and took out the window of my escape vehicle (good thing she’s not a golfer). That got the cops involved, and then the national press, and well it was down hill from there. As far as my wife playing the sad victim, hey, it was my head she was aiming for. Besides, if she catches me, instead of the SUV, it’s good-bye gravy train. Criminal and civil court is far worse than managing the PR for my now defunct good guy image.’
“I also want to say that I had a blast balling all those bunnies. That every man who pillories me for such transgressions wouldn’t enjoy the attention of all those honey’s so eager to please is hard to believe. Righteous indignation is almost as fun as sex on the Diner's card. I know, I work in locker room.’
“It was so easy though, I mean really, I’m Tiger Woods, I’m hot, rich and definitely a valued notch on any groupies’ belt. They’re practically lining up and taking a number. What am I supposed to do? It’s one of the great perks of being the leader of the Free World, or at least one of them. What was I thinking when I got married? Oh, yeah, I was burnishing my prime-time image.’
“So now it’s on to therapy (I can hear some schnook now, ‘Wow guess who else is here…’), back to Buddhism, and whatever other penance I am assigned by my PR staff. You’ll all be back, and the ones who won’t will not be missed. For cryin’ out loud, this is Entertainment, this is SPORTS, it’s designed to be frivolous, c-mon, chill-out already.”
PRESS NOTE: Please direct all other inquiries to the Professional Golf Writers of Amerika. Such courage should not go unrewarded.
